Ending my battles with bullies

So I awoke this morning to the fading stench from the charred remains of another glorious moment gone to bust. The cool thing about life is usually we can gain something from the bad experiences if we search for the answer long enough. A lot of those searches can end by just letting the dust settle.

This morning I discovered an answer to a problem that has dogged me for years, but in recent times has been a major player in some altercations between me and someone else. It?s been my reaction to bullies or more specifically bully behavior.

Nobody likes to be bullied, but let?s face it there are billions of us running around with bully behavior. It?s not resigned to those who like to be the big dog going around bullying whomever they can. That?s why I call it bully behavior because many times it?s just a level of behavior that people will display from time to time.

An example is people who go around doing just what they please in innocent fashion, but when someone calls them on their behavior they refuse to accept their wrong. Instead they try to reflect it back on the victims blaming them for their reactions. Without apology they?ll go about their way preferring to let the chips fall where they land without concern for the feelings of others.

Many of us follow a personal credo that states ?if I?m wrong I?ll admit my mistakes, but if I?m right I?m right and I?m going to argue that point even if it kills me.? That would be me, but what I?m writing about is how this relates to the bully behavior in man and how it drives my response.

I believe in peaceful habitation and that folks should always strive to get along. Well not everyone thinks that way. In fact a lot of us don?t. A lot of us just accept that we all can?t get along and that there?s no point to trying. Just do what you do and forget about the rest. *Hint ? here?s a clue to where that bully behavior comes in.

So how does this affect me? Well like a lot of folks I believe in standing up for what?s right and standing up for oneself. That can lead to contradictions when it comes to working to keep the peace as far as bully behavior is concerned. In other words I will battle. And with me it means major battle.

I started searching for the common thread and tracing its roots to find out how I developed this characteristic trait. What I discovered is that it goes way back to my having to deal with bullies in my childhood.

I was raised as a peaceful child. To walk away from conflict. To be the better man and not let evil get the best of me. I was, also, raised not to let anyone walk over top of me. In dealing with bullies this can lead to a traumatizing experience and it did one time too many for me.

I can remember one particular point in school when I allowed a bully to have his way knowing that if I stood up for myself then it was only going to lead to further conflict, I subjected myself to scorn, ridicule and mockery for doing so. One phrase that burned into my soul that day was ?You?re a sorry excuse for a man.?

Had that phrase been uttered by the bully I would have easily deflected it knowing full well it was coming from someone who was clearly not one to talk. But it didn?t. The source of that comment was from a supposed friend. A supposed friend who thought better of the bully?s aggressive behavior as the more pronounced trait of manliness. The wound cut deep. It wasn?t until this morning that I realized just how deep it was. On that day I vowed to myself never again would I allow the lesser get the upper hand on me. I vowed never again would someone ever be given a reason to say those words about me. At least not under such circumstances.

On that day I made a decision that the next time anyone tried to bully me I would let them know in no uncertain terms that if they attempt to assault me or bring me down that I will stand up for myself with such fierceness and power that they would be paying for that transgression for the rest of their life. And if they pushed it to that level I would have no qualms about ending their life for them right then.

There are pros and cons to that concept and throughout my life since then that pledge has surfaced in a number of ways during times of conflict, but not bringing about the best results. My reasoning back on that fateful day for allowing a bully to have his way was that by standing up then that bully behavior still would not end. Instead it would migrate into a conflict of enemies that could only be resolved by destruction. One of us, both of us or maybe even a slightly related innocent could end up seriously injured over an issue that began because some chump needed to please his ego.

When I look back at the times of person to person conflict in my life I can see that same relationship to standing up for myself or allowing the bully behavior. It rarely ever was stopped right then. Instead it would only lead to more problems.

Now we are not speaking of physical, blow for blow conflicts, although they might have been. We are speaking of the more common, but less visible psychological conflicts. You know the type. We deal with them every day. Arguments and personal conflicts with others. One side doesn?t like what the other side has done to them and the matter doesn?t get resolved peacefully.

In my life I?ve had my fair share of such conflicts and what I?ve noticed is that the majority of the time my combatant spent more time chastising me for the manner in which I stood up for myself than defending their own misbehavior.

This is not to say I?ve always been the ?proper? or ?correct? one in these conflicts. My point of view or behavior that was involved in the issue was not always created by good or innocent actions. I have been wrong on many occasions that led to person to person conflict. Even my sides of the arguments have been wrong.

So let?s be clear on this. I?m not claiming any stand of perfection or never wrong status. I?m looking at my reaction to conflict resulting from bully behavior. This is no claim that I?ve been done wrong by so many all my life.

As I just recently stated during these circumstances I?ve noticed how often I?ve found my combatant losing concern for the subject that created the conflict and instead changing their defense to the manner in which I defended myself (and in some cases the manner in which I presented my side of the argument). It?s as if on that fateful day I had rose up roaring like a wild lion and knocked that bully to the ground and him laying there bitching at me for doing it having suddenly become innocent of any wrong doing. It?s like if when he demanded I give him my seat claiming it his I got up and decked him and him laying there is shock asking me why I did it.

I imagine all this is a lot to digest and confusing as to why I?m tying all this to my reaction to bully behavior throughout my life. It?s like this. On that day I didn?t get up and deck that guy. Maybe I should have, but I didn?t and the ridicule and mockery that ensued has never faded with me. Why? Because from that day forward no one ever respected me as a person let alone as a man.

So I?ve been knockin? that bully down ever since whenever that opportunity presented itself. And most of the time he?s laid there and exclaimed, ?What did you do that for?? And most of the time there was always a choir to sing backup to his lead.

But did he ever listen to why when I answered his question? No. He was too busy whining and bitching at me for doing it. Did he ever see the error in his ways? No. He just didn?t care to look at that part of the equation.

That bully behavior can surface in most of us at any time, but it generally stays with certain individuals more than others. I?ve never bothered to concern myself with indentifying the distinction. I just deal with the bully.

Well just as my involvement with the creation of the conflict has not always been on the correct side neither has my reaction while dealing with that bully behavior been correct. A lot of times my reaction has been too harsh. Kind of like getting up and slashing the bully?s throat instead of just getting in his face and daring him to remove me from that seat.

A lot of other times my reaction has been in retaliation to a bully that wasn?t a bully. So if I had identified the instance properly my reaction may have fit the case. It doesn?t matter. Why? Well let?s look at the results from the conflicts for that answer.

I don?t know if I can remember any, if there were any, conflicts in which I allowed my vowed reaction to bully behavior to be displayed where it convinced my combatant to admit guilt, change their behavior or apologize for it. Instead it just created a platform for more conflict. Injuries were incurred before anything came to a conclusion and in most instances those conclusions were not peace and happiness.

So maybe I was right back then. Standing up for myself wouldn?t have corrected the bully behavior and instead led to more conflict. So now what?

Let?s look at the results from the standpoint of how they affect me. In the cases where I was done wrong did I end up feeling better or recipient of apology for my actions? No. Instead I ended up being blamed and having to apologize for circumstances that were not initially created by my wrong.

How did I end up feeling? Still hurt, still sad and still not vindicated.

So what was the point behind all that emotional battle if the results only got worse as opposed to the desired outcome? Today I can?t stand here and tell you that I really know the answer to that question. I could provide a best guest, but I honestly can?t say I believe it to be the right one.

So what now? How do I proceed from here? I think I can answer that question.

Most of the time I can see a potential blowup of a situation that has resulted due to a conflict between persons. Most of the time there are options that can be utilized to resolve the matter before it gets out of hand. Most of those options involve me still feeling hurt, still sad and still not vindicated.

So what?s the difference? The difference is I don?t end up being blamed and accused of evil that I?m not completely responsible for. The difference is I don?t end up behaving in a manner that isn?t warranted and only causes more problems.

Obviously feeling hurt, sad and without vindication isn?t a good way to feel about anything; however if that?s the best I?m going to get out of a situation doesn?t it make more sense just to cut my losses and let it go, just like I did way back when? I mean the sadness that comes from the ridicule and mockery isn?t going to change anyway. I?ve always just had to live through it and carry on despite that feeling. No real need to usher it in with so much drama.

One thing I have learned since then about life is that people are going to find a reason to ridicule and mock you no matter what. That?s just the evil in man. People are going to bully and mistreat you regardless of how you do by them. Again, that?s just the evil in man.

This vow to never let myself be bullied again isn?t helping. It just leads to more difficulties. So today I lay down my sword. Today I rescind that vow and take up a new vow.

Today I go back to what is part of my core beliefs to work towards a peaceful solution. Today I?ll begin to place my focus on recognizing when a conflict has a chance of going nuclear and seek a less volatile solution.

I realize that means I?m going to be doing more than just swallowing my pride. I?ll be allowing others to violate and hurt me at times and I understand this. I?m going to have to develop a strategy against the bitterness and anger that can come with this, but I?ve already been working on that project so it?s just another reason to keep at it.

I realize that others are going to think that they can get away with stuff that they ought not to believe they can, but when all is said and done they still think so anyway. I?ve got a better plan.

Does this mean I?m going to allow others to walk over top of me? To a point, I?d say yes that is true, but if I have to protect myself from a personal assault.. well, that?s another matter and that bully might want to give it a whole lot of consideration before carrying on with it.

The bottom line is this. I don?t live my life to cause issues or conflict so I?m going to change whatever I need to change to ensure that I?m consistent with that concept of living.

K

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