Turtle Life
In the year of our Lord 1995 I was teetering on the edge of sanity. Depression kicked in hard at the beginning of the year when I had to give up on a job that seemed perfect because my body couldn’t hack working inside a freezer. Instead I had to continue delivering folk’s food to them, driving my vehicle into the ground, and feeling like a total no-count.
In June suicide came to be my lover and it was only the deep loving care of my ex-wife that stopped suicide from claiming my life then. Still the courtship didn’t subside as depression laid claim to my mental state of mind.
I was mad at the world and mad at God with His self serving soldiers of religion. I hated my job, I hated my life, and most of all I hated myself.
I fell into addictive behavior searching for ways to numb the pain and calm my suffering. A once proud man no longer cared how pathetic he would appear at times.
Jagged Little Pill
During that time Alanis Morissette1 was high on the airwaves with her new album Jagged Little Pill.2 The songs and emotion from that collection spoke to and from my soul. Throughout the summer it was one of the prime CD’s in my daily rotation as my heart pumped every emotion portrayed through the veins of my consciousness.
Although, I could make a case for every song on that album, the two below spoke the strongest of the feelings I felt while trying to make sense of my world which had been cast into a downward spiral.
All I Really Want2 gave voice to my basic needs about life while Perfect2 explained my emotion in the battle with my faith in God. It seemed that I couldn’t be forgiven and loved unless I made myself a perfect man. At least that’s the way Christianity made me feel and I had no desire to join their Jesus club. I just wanted God to love me for me and get me through my life.
The Downward Spiral
Since my life was in such a downward spiral it seemed perfect symmetry that my favorite album would be The Downward Spiral3 by Nine Inch Nails.4 It might have been because my soul bled the fiber of those songs. I’m not really sure, but every song held a different meaning and relation to the events in my life as it echoed the emotion of my thoughts. The sheer power and inner cosmic depth of the lyrics woven together by masterful music composition gave every word flavor as it screamed from my soul. I was haunted by the spirit of that music even as much as my spirit haunted the desire to exit this plane and end my misery.
Even in the brightest of sunshine my days were cloudy and dark back then. No matter when or where I always felt as if I was walking down muddied streets in a constant downpour, cloaked in an old trench coat soiled and reeking of decomposing sludge. I was ashamed of myself even as much as I hated myself. I felt unworthy to look at people, feeling as if I was an ogre to their sight.
My soul looks back and wonders
This is something not even my family knows – until maybe now.
1995 was a tough year for me. Sometimes I wonder how I made it through. So many nights I forced myself to stay in bed, knowing that in that state of partial consciousness and partial sleep I didn’t possess the power to stop myself from tying that cord around my neck and jumping off the balcony of my third floor apartment.
Honestly, I think that only the thought of leaving my cat without me to care for him and how devastating it would be to my mother kept me from actually killing myself. Yeah, I think that’s what kept me barely clinging to life. That was probably the difference between me and suicide.
Funny how I sit here now and contemplate how much power the love from that little lady gave to her children and this world. I can’t imagine a better saint in this world than her. Yeah, that has a lot to do with why I was so tore up when it came to pass that I couldn’t give her a fitting funeral or lay her body next to those of her parents.5
Forgiven, but still driven by the pain
I know I’m forgiven for that slight. I know it’s okay. Momma knows and God knows that under the circumstances I did the best I could and that’s why they love me. That chapter of my life has been closed, but I swear to you I have never felt as great a pain ever in my life.
This is why I can’t help, but to care for others who suffer from depression and other forms of mental illness. I know so well of what they’re going through. My soul has cried for help and help came. It’s only a simple, small way of giving thanks, glory and honor to God, but my life is dedicated to helping others the same way I got help when I was in need.
Glory be His name,
I am K
| All I Really Want ~ Alanis Morissette1 | Pefect ~ Alanis Morissette1 |
| Do I stress you out My sweater is on backwards and inside out And you say how appropriate I don’t want to dissect everything today I don’t mean to pick you apart you see But I can’t help it There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off And all I really want is some patience Do I wear you out And I am fascinated by the spiritual man Enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines All I really want is some peace man |
Sometimes is never quite enough If you’re flawless, then you’ll win my love Don’t forget to win first place Don’t forget to keep that smile on your face Be a good boy How long before you screw it up Be a good girl I’ll live through you Be a good boy |
The Downward Spiral3 – Nine Inch Nails
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- Alanismorissette.com↩↩↩
- Purchase Jagged Little Pill at CD Universe↩↩↩
- Purchase The Downward Spiral at Amazon.com↩↩
- The Official Website of Nine Inch Nails↩
- See Turtle Life blog post “Closure”↩
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I live with Depression everyday. I have been since jr. high school. I am 44 now and it has ruined my marriage, my family and I am just getting by day by day. I go to work and come home and don’t do anything else. I am suffering and it is frustrating.
I am glad that you found the strength to stay here.
I am so very glad that something kept you around fo me to know and love you!