567,360 hours

I need a friendship that provides support, inspiration and companionship that doesn’t drain my life energy.
It is my nature to give. It is my nature to form friendships by giving to those who need a friend at that moment. I gain energy from it, but I think I’m self-generating that energy.

Often those forays into friendship are so draining to me because I don’t get anything in return. The satisfaction I get from helping others and the momentary distraction of companionship fuels some form of spiritual adrenaline, but you know how adrenaline works. It only sustains you for a while.

These friendships become taxing. I easily sense something’s wrong and that I need to break away, but I hang on because I feel like I’m abandoning someone just like I’ve been abandoned so many times before.

I hang on lying to myself vainly trying to make true on the promise that if I just kick-start things in gear we’ll motor into the clear where we can both recharge. At that point things begin to get toxic. My struggle to keep it going morphs into a sort of passive aggressive personal hero role as I try to show myself worthy of being kept on.

Then the mistakes come. Mistakes born from my desperation to resolve and make better what never comes to past.
Terminate like it’s my fault and no one ever sees it differently.

“Surround yourself with the ‘right kind of people for you’” they say meaning get yourself a friendship that provides support, inspiration and companionship that doesn’t drain your life energy. Can that stuff be bought in stores or is it only available online via some website whose servers aren’t up to the business volume?

567,384 hours